Guilt, Shame, or Conviction? How to Know the Difference in Your Parenting

In my practice as a therapist, I work with a lot of moms who struggle with difficult emotions related to their parenting. We tend to lump emotions into two buckets: good emotions (like happy, excited, and peaceful) and bad emotions (like fear, anger, and sadness). While some emotions “feel” better than others, they are not qualitatively good or bad. Emotions are just signals about how your internal system is responding to circumstances, thoughts and experiences. And for some parents, guilt and shame can be some of the most difficult.

In this post, I want to help you examine three different emotions that are often evoked as we parent – because knowing the difference, their impact, and the responses available to you can make a big difference.

First let’s define them.

What is conviction?

Conviction is a work of the Holy Spirit. The goal is to draw your attention to something wayward in your heart, mind or behaviors. You may notice it as a flip flop in your stomach, a heaviness in your heart, or a lump in your throat. It might come as you are praying, reading God’s word or simply going about your day. God uses conviction in the life of the believer to bring awareness to an area that needs attention. True conviction creates a desire to change, to repent and to make amends. It has a forward focus, is delivered with love and grace, and has a restorative quality. It’s like God’s loving guardrails to our lives on earth.

But sadly, many of us don’t often experience this form of “pure” conviction for long because the enemy is very skilled at taking what God intends for good and using it for harm. So conviction often turns to guilt and then can quickly move to shame.

What is guilt?

Guilt is related to conviction in that is identifies something that you have done that was wrong. It’s available to believers and non-believers because God has set in the mind of every human being the ability to tell right from wrong (Romans 2:14-15). We call it our conscience. It doesn’t have the forward focus of conviction and often keeps us replaying things we have done, said, or thought in the past. Without the grace of God and the practice of making amends, it can become ruminative in nature and, without intervention, can bring about feelings of shame.

You may have sense of wanting to wince or brace against the feeling.

What is shame?

While guilt says, “I did something bad,” shame says, “I am bad.” Guilt focuses on a behavior. Shame focuses on the whole of you.

Shame also has this sort of “sticky” quality in that it may start with one specific trigger (like conviction or guilt) but then it goes searching for other things you have done in the past. It will even make up lies to corroborate it’s narrative. Shames’s ultimate goal is to keep you from making mistakes and doing something you will regret, but in doing so, it can have a demotivating and imobilizing effect. Nothing will sap your will to make amends or course correct more than shame. It often tears you down so much that you end up doing nothing.

You may experience it as a shrinking feeling, or a desire to escape or collapse. You may even feel your body respond to it by rounding your shoulders and hanging your head.

How can you tell the difference between conviction, guilt and shame?

Here are a few questions to help you discern what is happening inside of you.

1. Am I able to feel this emotion and simultaneously experience the love of God? If yes, then it’s likely conviction
2. Am I motivated to make a change with a sense of restoration and focus on the future? If yes, then it’s likely conviction
3. Am I feeling like I did something wrong and I want to make it right? That can be conviction or guilt
4. Am I thinking of all the other bad things I have done in the past? That can be guilt or shame
5. Do I have an intense desire to hide or escape? That is likely shame
6. Am I hearing critical thoughts in my head? If so, that is guilt or shame

How conviction, guilt and shame can impact your parenting

You are going to make mistakes as a parent. There is no way around it. But how we related to those mistakes can make a big difference.

Maintaining a soft heart is one way for God to use gracious conviction as we parent. Spending time with God in prayer for ourselves and our kids can provide attunement to the prompting of the Spirit. And when we notice that conviction, the next step is to respond to it. This means that we might need to apologize to our kids. We might need to own up to our mistakes, humbly approach our kids and ask for their forgiveness. The shorter the timespan between conviction and repair, the less opportunity the enemy has to turn it to guilt or shame.

But if you find yourself beating yourself up for something you have done, you are likely in the territory of guilt or shame. Guilt can motivate us to change but when it causes us to become stuck, it has turned to shame.

If you notice yourself dwelling on the past, or you hear self-talk that sounds like: “You are such a bad mom/dad. You are messing your kids up,” that is not of the Holy Spirit. God is not in the business of tearing His children down. He will correct, mold, and shape us, but He will not crush us (Isaiah 42:3).

You can address guilt but making amends and noticing when your thoughts have become unhelpful. You can remind yourself that you are doing the best you can with what you know at this time.

You can address any shame related to your parenting by offering yourself some compassion and empathy. Your body will hold the feelings of shame pretty deeply so thinking your way out of shame rarely works. You may need to try shifting your posture (sitting up a bit straighter, lifting your chin) or some gentle touch (try stacking both hands over your heart and applying gentle pressure while taking slow breaths). You can say to yourself, “I am loved by God” or you can recite Romans 8:1: “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

Shame didn’t arrive overnight and it won’t be so keen on leaving quickly. It will be something you will have to be watchful for as it can creep up when least expected. Pay attention to how you are holding your body and what your internal dialogue might be. And then take all of that to the Lord, His word, or a trusted friend and let Him minister to your heart as a child of God. Shame thrives in isolation. Exposing it to empathy and compassion will break it down.

What has helped you to address shame or guilt as a parent? Please feel free to leave a comment below.