More and more of the women I work with are just surviving. They are completely overwhelmed with the sheer number of tasks they have to manage on a daily basis. If you are struggling with boundaries, I want to offer you some tips, skills, and insights you can implement to safeguard your time and your mental health.
First, let’s start with a fact: Jesus had boundaries. He was not everything to everyone. We see in Scripture that slept in the back of the boat while others manned the helm (Mark 4:38). And even thought people clamored for his attention He took time to rest and chose to pick up and leave for other cities (Mark 1:35-38). All without lengthy excuses or explanations. This did not mean that He did not care (look at the cross and you will see that is not the case). But it does mean that as someone who was fully God and fully man, He knew He could not pour from an empty cup. So if Jesus set boundaries and prioritized rest and rejuvenation, we can too.
{Note: I realize that this topic is relevant to single fathers and work-from-home dads. The tips can apply regardless of gender}
Barriers to better boundaries
Societal pressure
Women in our society have been sold a lie. We have been told that we can do it all. More than ever before, women hold powerful positions of leadership and business. Many are self-made. Women have more opportunities than ever before. But what has not kept up are the expectations at home. When women’s work moved from inside the home to outside, the work at home didn’t change. They continued to carry it. When society tells you that you “should” be able to do it all, setting boundaries can feel like failure.
Underlying fears
We may also have some underlying fears that keep us from setting boundaries for ourselves. This can be fears about being rejected if we speak up about our needs. Or maybe it is fears about saying no to our kids for fear that they will miss out on something. We may overstretch ourselves because we are trying to avoid feelings of guilt when we can’t do it all.
Over-functioning
Many of the women I work with are over-functioners. What I mean by this is that they hold on to doing it all because they can do things faster, more efficiently and with less hassle than if they delegate tasks to others. The problem with this is that over-time this builds resentment when the other people in their orbit sit back and willingly let mom do it all. Stepping back and giving the reins to others in the family can be stressful at first and these busy moms have no capacity for additional stress. So they continue to do it all.
Why boundaries are important
I think we all know the answer to this. If we continually over ride our needs, something will have to give. And it will likely be something inside of you – your physical health or your mental health. Even the surgeon general issued a dire warning: today’s parents are experiencing high levels of stress and pressure. They need support.
Stress. Burnout. These are the end point of a life lived without sustainable and healthy boundaries.
How to assess for boundary issues
This can be as simple as creating a list. Draw a line down the center of a piece of paper. On one column, list all of the things you do for others – family, friends, work, volunteer, etc (these are your outputs). Then in the other column, write down your inputs – things that fill you up such as hobbies, time with God, recreation and free time.
If you have a boundary issue, you will find that the input column is likely empty or close to empty. Scripture tells us that Jesus spent a lot of time with His father, alone. He needed that to stay connected to His father and the mission He had for him on earth. We need time with the Lord and time to recharge. God knows how foundational this is for us that he put it in the 10 Commandments. The day of rest was not a power trip – God doesn’t need one day a week. WE need one day a week. He knows we live in fallen bodies that need rest and restoration. The command was a gift. One many of us rarely open.
How to set better boundaries
First, ask yourself: what am I afraid will happen if I set boundaries in a particular area of my life? To get to the underlying fear, finish this sentence: “I can’t say no or else….” The “or else” is the window into the underlying fear. Talk about this fear with God and then find an action that you can do to address that fear. Maybe you are afraid that your children will be mad at you if you tell them no? Dig deeper: What is under that fear? Did you experiences deprivation as a child in some way and your “yes’s” to your children have become a way to heal that? Taking time for this self-assessment can give you the perspective and distance to parent your children in the present rather than from the pain of your past.
Secondly, change that is incremental is sustainable. Bite off too much change at once and you will likely revert to your old ways before long. So the key to setting better boundaries is to start small. Instead of putting your foot down hard in one area, consider a baby step in the direction you want to go. Start by blocking off time on your work calendar when you are not available during the day. Or turn your notifications off on your computer. Schedule a short walk with a friend while your children are at sports practice. Ask for help with a task. Stop at a scenic spot on the way to a meeting. You are creating margin – space in your day for you.
Third, tell the people closest to you that you are working on this. Let them know that you are running on empty and are trying to make space for yourself in your own life.
And finally, acknowledge that people will have feelings about your boundaries. Their discomfort or resistance is not an indication that you are asking for too much and it is not your job to fix their feelings for them. This is not callous. This is boundaried living.
Are boundaries selfish?
This is something that many women struggle with – especially within the Church. We hear Scripture that tell us to serve others sacrificially, to take up our cross, to think of others more highly than ourselves and many more. While these are all true, let me direct your attention to Jesus once again. He was not everything to everyone. He practiced solitude and rest. And if the perfect Son of God needed these things, so do we.
You can have discomfort and do the hard thing anyway. Try to figure out why you are setting boundaries. Is it because you are concerned about your health? Are you feeling disconnected from the people you care most about? Are you living a life not fully present? These are values-based questions. When we can anchor our behavioral change to a deep and enduring value, it can be easier to sustain it. So when you get push-back about a boundary, you can remind yourself the value you are trying to live out as you set it.
Resources:
There are plenty of books and resources about boundaries. Here are a few that I like (not affiliate links):
How to Keep House While Drowning
Take away challenge for today:
Think about what is missing from your life. Are you missing deep connection with your spouse? Are you longing for creative outlets? Silence? Time with God? Whatever is missing, try to reclaim it today – start with just a few minutes and build from there.
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