We seem to be immersed in a culture that perpetuates discontent. There is always something out there telling us how we can look better, dress better, parent better, be a better spouse, have a better house or life. If we are going to embrace the place where God has placed us, we need to shift our mindset. From one of discontent to contentment. It takes a bit of intentionality, but it can be done. I hope that these five tips will help you do just that.
1. Keep a daily wins journal
When you are deep in the throws of parenting, it is easy to focus on all that is going wrong – the kids won’t listen, the house is a mess, you are behind on laundry, etc. The human mind has a bent toward focusing on the negative. [Side note: this is an innate protective mechanism that helps our nervous system attune to threats so that we can take action to fix what is wrong before it becomes a bigger threat. The problem with this is that our brains aren’t so great in this modern era at distinguishing real threats from imagined.]
Becuse our brains has this tendency to focus on the negative, we have to actually intentionally work on finding the positive. One thing I like to suggest to my clients is that they keep a notebook at the side of their bed. Before they turn in, they write down one or two wins from the day. That can be something as simple as: we had an uneventful ride to soccer practice or I was able to make a nice meal this evening that everyone enjoyed. Nothing is too small.
Training your brain to pick out the positive can take some work and it may not come naturally at first, but keep at it. The more you do it, the more routine it will become and what you attend to during the day will begin to shift as well.
2. Savor a special moment
When you go from activity to activity, from work to the pick up line, to baseball then dinner and then the bedtime routine, it can seem almost impossible to keep your head above water. You are simply in survival mode all the time. This type of living requires a great deal of executive functioning and mental load. You are likely always thinking one step ahead: will there be a traffic delay on the way to the dentist? Can I squeeze a grocery pick-up between school pick up and gymnastics? While my hope for you would be that you could reduce your load, I realize that this is not always realistic for many parents.
That is where savoring comes in. It is the simple practice of noticing and expanding upon a good moment. It’s engaging your body and mind in attending to one positive thing at the same time. For example, let’s say you are driving to the library and you hear your kids giggling in the back seat. Notice this. Pause. Soak it in. Listen to their little voices, glance at the smiles on their faces (keep your eyes on the road!). Take a deep breath and be in that moment. It may change in a second, but you captured that moment and let it settle in your heart.
I have to wonder if this is what the Bible means when it recounts how Mary looked at Jesus as a boy and she “treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.” (Luke 2:19) Savored moments become imprinted on our minds and we can then revisit them any time we want.
3. Thank God for three new things a day
The research is clear: gratitude changes your brain (you can read more about that here). It actually rewires your neural network and impacts your ability to cope, handle stress, connect with others and receive restorative sleep. If gratitude were a prescription drug, it would be a best seller.
It’s hard to be content if you have a scarcity mindset. Gratitude practices help shift your focus on what you lack to what you already have. Coming up with three things you are thankful for a day may seem easy. That is until you practice the rule that you can’t repeat! This will really cause you to dig deep, and focus on what God is doing in your life – even in the valleys (or sometimes because of them).
The Bible is very clear that we are to remember what God has done. We are called to remember all of His benefits (Psalm 103:2). There is a reason we are exhorted to remember, remember, remember. Because we are prone to forget. We are on to the next thing and so quickly forget how God has showed up in our lives in big and small ways. A daily gratitude practice will help shift that for you.
4. Offer yourself grace
It is hard to feel content if you are constantly condemning yourself for your mistakes and shortcomings. Again, we are prone to focus on the negative and not the positive. How can we have contentment with where we are while still striving for growth and change?
Statement such as: “I’m doing the best I can and I am leaning to do better” can go a long way in extending grace to yourself while still making space for change.
You are a work in progress. Give yourself permission to not be perfect. Perfectionism is a constantly moving goal post. It just sets yourself up for perpetual failure. So pause and notice where you have come from and glance to where you want to go. But focus on the here and now. It is the only moment you have.
Ask God to show you where you can do better and ask Him for the grace to see yourself through His eyes: you are dearly loved and cherished.
5. Stop comparing yourself to others
Comparison is the enemy of contentment. You cannot be constantly looking to others as the litmus test of your success or failure and have a spirit of contentment. Like horses in a race, put on your blinders and focus on the race before you. Stop comparing your insides to everyone else’s outsides.
This may mean that you put down your phone, delete social media apps, notice when your mind has hooked you on the soccer sidelines, telling you that you are a bad parent or are lacking in some way.
Take some time to observe how you feel after spending some time on a particular app or when you have been hooked by critical thoughts. Do you feel better? Inspired? Or do you feel small, defeated and like you cannot measure up? What you feed your mind matters. In the pursuit of contentment, you may need to give up some things that feel good in the moment but create long term damage.
You may not have even realized that contentment is what you have been missing. I realize that you may not have the ability to make substantive changes to you day-to-day life, but I hope that these practices are accessible enough that you could implement a few. Small things can make a big impact.
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