Parenting is hard. It is even harder when there is discord in the house among siblings. If one of your children has become a bully in your own home, there are some important things you need to know and there are some ways in which you can effectively intervene.
Understand the impact
First, it is important that you understand that there is a distinct difference between normal sibling rivalry and bullying within the family system. All kids fight from time to time. Some even do it more than others. But bully is different than typical sibling rivalry. Here are some signs to look for if one child has become a bully:
- one child is consistently targeted
- there is an imbalance and abuse of power
- threat of harm is used to control
- one child is consistently physically or emotionally harmed by another
- the one being bullied avoids or retreats in the presence of the bully
One longitudinal study found that children who are consistently bullied in their own family system have a much higher risk for depression and self harm in young adulthood. This is a serious issue that cannot be ignored. Sibling aggression and abuse is one of the most common forms of family violence.
Adopt a “no harm” policy
The very first thing to do, is to adopt a “no harm” policy. This means that you will not tolerate one sibling hurting another intentionally. Don’t let them draw you into an argument about it having been an accident. You have to go by what you see. If it is happening a lot, you will have to increase your supervision so that they do not have as much time alone together. Encourage them to play where you are so you can keep a better eye on things until you can assess what is happening with greater accuracy.
Immediately separate the children and make the consequence for intentional harm clear and then follow through. The child who is being bullied needs to know that you will keep them safe.
Investigate outside influences
Once you have determined that what you are seeing is actually bullying, there are some effective things you can do to intervene.
It is possible that the bully in your family is being treated this way at school or in the neighborhood. Children often act out their unresolved issues with those “beneath” them to give them a sense of power and control. Pay careful attention to their interactions with peers, talk with the teacher and talk with your child to uncover what might be happening when you are not around. You may find that there is an underlying cause that needs to be addressed.
Explore jealousy as a root cause
Jealousy is a powerful emotion. Is it possible that your child is jealous of their younger siblings for some reason? Often feelings of jealousy are based on perceptions, rather than reality. They may FEEL that you favor your other children when this is not the case. These feelings can start a vicious cycle: your child feels bad about themselves, so they misbehave, they then get in trouble, which confirms their feelings of “badness”, so they go on to misbehave . . . You can see how this can perpetuate itself. Talk with your child about their feelings regarding “fairness” in your home. Let them express their feelings no matter how “off base” they may seem to you. Don’t try to explain away their feelings with logic and reasoning. Just listen and reflect back what your child says in a warm and accepting way.
Find acceptable ways for your child to be in charge
It may sound contradictory to give more power, but if you give your child power, they won’t have to take it. What is your child good at? If they are good at crafts, set up a project and make them the “teacher.” They can instruct their younger siblings on how to complete the project. If they are good at sports, have them become a coach of sorts in a family pick-up game. They can give pointers and tips to all family members. This offers control in a healthy way.
Problem solve together
Talk with your child one-on-one when the issue is NOT a hot topic (you want them to be calm for this kind of discussion). Tell them what you have noticed about how they have been acting and that you want to help. Problem solve about what they might need. Maybe they need more private time. As children age, they value their privacy more and more – an element that younger siblings can be slow to understand. Do they need some alone time with you or your spouse? Do they feel “unheard” for some reason? Create a “suggestion box” for them to write down their issues and complaints during the day. You can address them together at the end of the day. This will help them feel that they have a voice and may not have to take their feelings out on their siblings.
Get help if necessary
If you have implemented some of these changes and the behavior persists, it is time for professional help. This behavior has lasting impact as the study referenced above showed. Individual, family or even group therapy for kids with similar issues can be very helpful.
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