Being shy in our culture is not an easy thing. We tend to admire people who are outgoing, gregarious and socially confident. Children who can talk about anything to just about anyone are seen as cute and engaging and make adults smile. A shy or sensitive child who hides behind his mother’s legs is seen as socially awkward and can make others feel uncomfortable.
Parents of shy kids often find themselves apologizing for their children’s behavior or cajoling them to respond to adult advances to avoid embarrassment.
Western cultures usually have a negative reaction to shyness in children whereas Eastern cultures see such traits as embodying respect, self-control, and modesty.
Why are some kids shy?
It’s biological. Somewhere between 20 and 40 percent of our population consider themselves shy. Studies have found that shy people naturally have greater levels of activity in their amygdala (the emotional center of the brain), demonstrating that shyness is typically not a learned personality characteristic, but an innate, genetic trait (although trauma and life events can create adult-onset shyness).
Shy or highly sensitive?
Dr. Elaine Aron has done a great deal of work to help re-frame the concept of shyness in our culture. What we commonly referred to as “shy,” she prefers to call “highly sensitive.” These people appear inhibited because their heightened awareness makes them cognizant of all the possible outcomes of a particular situation.
Highly sensitive adults and children feel and experience things in their environment with a great degree of intensity. Noisy places are bothersome. Lumps in socks bring a host of complaints. Calming down after a busy day is difficult. A stern look can feel as if it left an open wound.
In short, sensitive people take in and take to heart more than their non-highly sensitive counterparts. This can leave them feeling overwhelmed by their surroundings and at times avoidant of that which is simply “too much.”
However, these people tend to be conscientious, intuitive, empathetic, tuned in to the needs of others, artistic, creative and much more (to learn more about highly sensitive people go to www.hsperson.com).
How to parent a shy or sensitive child
Accept your child for who they are
Once you realize you have a sensitive child, it’s important to accept who they are and not try to change them. He or she may never be the star in the school play. He may not be able to tolerate large birthday parties. He may need more alone time than his peers.
See the value in sensitivity and shyness
Your child will likely never talk to strangers, will be less likely to “go along with the crowd,” and will typically engage in less risk-taking behaviors in the teen years.
When entering a social situation, anticipate with your sensitive child what things he might encounter and how he would like it handled. If an adult says “hi” to him would he like to wave or have you return the greeting on his behalf?
For young children who avoid eye contact, become mute in response to adult greetings and hide behind their mother’s legs, don’t apologize or force them to respond. Try to deflect attention away from them – having all eyes focused on them can feel highly invasive to a sensitive child.
Be a good role model of appropriate social interactions: say hello to strangers, hold doors for people, smile at others, and demonstrate a high level of comfort in public situations.
Encourage baby steps
Be sure to help your child by providing plenty of opportunities to stretch and learn new social skills. It may be uncomfortable for your child so try to give him or her skills to deal with the discomfort like positive self-talk (“I can do this”) or self-soothing techniques (like touching something soft in his pocket or smelling a drop of essential oil on his sleeve). You can also role-play and practice coping skills at home. When you see him behaving in a way that is out of his comfort zone, recognize his effort and point out the benefits that came from pushing through the discomfort.
Why is my child different at home?
These children can be quite different at home. They may be loud, excitable and energetic. If you find this to be the case, your child does not have a split personality, you have simply provided your sensitive child with an environment in which he is comfortable being himself and feels safe. You are his buffer. He is the turtle’s body and you have provided the shell. It is your job to protect his system from being overwhelmed while at the same time teaching him coping mechanisms and how to navigate a world that can be over-stimulating.
If you have a child like this, consider yourself blessed. If you are not sensitive yourself, he will help you have “eyes to see” and “ears to hear” things that you never noticed before. Your life will be enriched if you take time to learn from his.