This article will address the final of the four major goals of children’s misbehavior. In the previous three articles, we have addressed attention-seeking, controlling, and revenge-seeking behaviors. Dinkmeyer and McKay proposed this typology of misbehavior in their book entitled STEP Parenting. It provides parents with helpful insights into the reasons behind their children’s difficult behaviors.
What a display of inadequacy looks like. Children who feel inadequate believe that they are incapable of performing up to their expectations or the expectations of the significant others in their lives. They think, “I am no good. Nothing I do is any good. Why bother?” Here are some behaviors these children may display:
- Refusal to try new things
- Giving up easily
- Disparaging comments such as, “I am no good”
- Poor school performance
- Excessive timidness
- Lack of confidence
What a display of inadequacy feels like to you. Parents of children who are displaying feelings or beliefs of inadequacy often feel like giving up themselves. They feel hopeless, that things can never improve and that their child will never change. Discouragement is their constant companion.
What his behavior tells you. These children lack confidence in themselves, their worth and their abilities. Parents of such children would be wise to monitor for a possible underlying depressive disorder by taking the following factors and symptoms into consideration: a family history of chemical depression, anhedonia (lack of enjoyment in activities previously enjoyed), sleep disturbance, change in appetite, difficulty concentrating and anxiety.
How to correct a display of inadequacy. These children need lots of encouragement to counteract their feelings of inadequacy. Encouragement is quite different from praise however and parents would be wise to learn the distinction. Encouragement is specific and praise is general. Encouragement focuses on the effort rather than the results. Encouragement addresses the child’s experience but praise addresses the adult’s feelings. Instead of saying: “You are wonderful! I am so proud of you!” (praise), try saying: “You have put so much effort into that drawing. Look how nice it is coming out! You must be so pleased!” (encouragement).
Parents also need to avoid discouraging remarks such as, “Oh, just give it to me, I’ll do it for you” or “Hurry up!” These children need to have their effort encouraged, no matter how small. Noticing incremental improvements and verbalizing your faith in their ability (“I know you can do it!”) will go a long way in combating displays of inadequacy. You can read more on ways to increase your child’s self confidence here.
In these last four articles, we have covered the four main causes of misbehavior among children. Hopefully you now feel equipped to use your new “secret decoder ring” the next time you are faced with troubling behaviors in your children. With a little investigation and self-reflection you will be able to uncover their hidden motives. But more importantly, you will know how to best address them.