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“Follow the Leader” is not just a game for children anymore. Parents play it all the time – often without even knowing it. Go to any neighborhood playground and you will see parents toddling after their toddlers, following their every move, sippy cup and tattered blankie in hand. This is all in the spirit of exploration and discovery. However, when these toddlers wander aimlessly and interrupt other people’s picnic lunches and private conversations, it becomes anything but cute. Granted, most toddlers are curious by nature and love to find out what other people are up to. But there are several problems with allowing your child to be the exclusive “leader” during playtime. Here we will explore just a few:
It is unsafe. Watch a mother duck with her chicks. Ever notice how those chicks are glued to their mother? Why do you think that is? It is because they are genetically “wired” to understand the importance of staying near the one who provides them with the protection and food they need to survive. They know that Mama is in charge and can take care of everything. Their main focus is staying with her no matter what. We would be wise to take a lesson from these little guys. When our young children are allowed to lead us around, we are communicating to them that there is a level of safety away from our presence that is unfounded. They desperately need us. They need to know that they need us.
It sends the wrong message. If your toddler is repeatedly allowed to maintain the reins of control during playtime, you are in effect teaching her that she has the authority to tell you (and everyone involved) what to do. While allowing your child to freely explore IS within your right as a parent (and helpful for her development), you need to consider the environment in which it is encouraged. After all, there is a time and a place for everything. So, when you enter an unstructured, public situation (like a park, playground or playdate), take the initiative. Before you even get out of the car, you can say, “We’ll ask Sally what toys we can play with since they are hers.” If you are at a playground and your child loves swings, pick her up and say, “Let’s go swing!” When you want her to stretch her wings of exploration, say, “Your turn to decide now.” If you do this from a very early age, you will avoid the temper tantrums so many parents fear. You will be teaching her that even unstructured play has an ebb and flow of give and take – an invaluable skill that she will always need.
It is inconsiderate. Allowing your child to freely explore in a way that violates the privacy or boundaries of others teaches him that other people are just “extras” in the feature film of his life where he is the star actor. We want to raise children who are humble and who put the needs of others first. This will not happen naturally. Anticipate your toddler’s need to learn from his environment. If you are at a park, pick a private spot to visually explore from the safety of your lap. You can say things like, “Look, that family is having sandwiches for lunch on a blanket” or “That boy has a truck that looks just like yours.” If your child wanders into the space of another family, smile, pick up your toddler and return to that private spot to discuss what was seen that was of interest to him. Ask if he was interested in playing with one of the children or if he was just looking. If he was “just looking,” verbally explore what he saw from a distance and then redirect him to another area of intrigue. If he expressed interest in playing with another child, model and/or equip him with the skills necessary to navigate that social interaction appropriately.
We live in an age where children are encouraged to explore and investigate. Parents playing this game of follow the leader are, no doubt, doing so with the very best of intentions. After all, we have been taught to believe that children thrive best in unrestricted environments where the “sky’s the limit” and where initiative and inquisitiveness reign supreme. It is counter-cultural to consider the negative impact of such a mindset. Toddlerhood can be both a time of exploration and boundaries. They are not polar opposites but rather bosom buddies. One should not exist without the other.
