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We can be our own worst enemy at times. With a tongue that is too quick, we can create situations with our children that we don’t know how to rectify so we end up doing nothing. Or we can react to a situation and then waver on the follow-through. These traits of impulsivity (usually in the form of directions or re-directions) and indecision can strip us of our parental authority and make us ineffective in our own homes. Do you see yourself reflected in either of these examples?
Being impulsive. This happens when we just blurt out a direction or a consequence that we are ill equipped to do anything about at the moment. For example, let’s say you are in a store and you simply have to purchase something for dinner that night and your children begin to act up. You impulsively say, “If you don’t stop right now, we are leaving!” Of course you are not able to do as you have said you have now inadvertently created a situation that has given them evidence that Mom doesn’t mean what she says.
Being indecisive. Here’s an example: Your daughter asks, “Mom, can I go to Sally’s house?” With little thought you impulsively say “No.” Your persistent child then goes on to explain that she has done all her homework, has cleaned her room and has even picked up her little sister’s room. You re-think your decision and decide to let her go. What has happened in this little interchange? You have diluted the power of your word. Every time this happens, you teach your child that your authority can be challenged successfully. This is not to say that you can’t change your mind, but the frequent pattern of being “convinced” by your child can be damaging to your authority.
The solution: Much of this can be avoided if we decide to be “slow to speak and quick to listen.” Give yourself time to answer. This takes practice but it is better in the long run to delay a disciplinary action or a response until you have a clear and set mind about what you plan to do. You can close your eyes; take a deep breath and say a quick prayer if necessary. You can walk away to think about a response. You can say, “Please give me a minute.” Despite what some parenting books imply, you are not expected to have all the answers to your parenting dilemmas at your fingertips at all times. And you are not weaker if you need to think about it.
Slowing down the pace of our lives will do much to help us slow down the pace of our parenting. What can you eliminate from the treadmill of your life today to help you achieve such a goal?
Laura,
Thank you for these focus points. We even say these things to spouses and regret words later. Children see all interactions and counsel to wait and think will seldom be regretted.