How to Increase Obedience with Positive Opposites

Dr. Alan Kazdin of the Yale University Parenting Center and Child Conduct Clinic has developed a program called Parent Management Training (PMT).  I had the opportunity to attend an all day training for therapists who work with young families. While I don’t agree with some of his methods (as you will see later in this post), one simple but powerful skill that PMT teaches parents is worth mentioning.  Dr. Kazdin calls the skill “positive opposites.”  We’ll look at what it means, how to use it and some examples to get you on your way to increasing obedience and decreasing defiance.

Background

Dr. Kazdin’s theory of parenting management is based on B.F. Skinner’s behaviorism model of psychology which, simply stated, means that any reinforced behavior will remain and any behavior that is ignored will become extinct.  For parents, this means that you pay LOTS of attention to the behavior that you would like to see more of and completely ignore the behavior that you would like to see eliminated.  This is not easy to do.  Most of us have an ingrained predisposition for focusing on the negatives, rather than the positives.  It’s the negatives, after all, that drive us crazy.  Usually, our negative reactions to such negative behaviors can bring about temporary relief (for example, if we hysterically scream at a child who is hitting his brother, he may stop – likely out of fear or just plain old shock).  But  this intervention will do nothing to help the child replace that behavior with something more positive.  Furthermore, a nasty side effect of reacting this way is that we are more likely to do it again because:  a) the negative stimulus has been removed (ie. the hitting and chaos that ensued) and b) the child has just received a boat-load of attention for the misbehavior, pretty much guaranteeing that he is going to do it again at some point down the road.

What is a Positive Opposite and How Do I Use It?

According to Dr. Kazdin, positive opposites are instructions or directions given by a parent that avoid use of the words, “stop,” “no” or “don’t.”  They must be short, specific and, of course, a positive replacement for the behavior that is so troublesome. Positive opposites can really be used any time you are giving an instruction or trying to modify behavior.  Here are some examples:

• Child is interrupting parents.  The positive opposite is NOT, “Stop interrupting” but rather, “Please wait your turn.”
• Child leaves backpack in the middle of the floor.  A positive opposite would be, “Please put your backpack on the bench.”
• Child is screaming.  The positive opposite is, “Please make your voice quieter.”

How did you do?

The Positives of Positive Opposites

You may wonder how semantics can really make a difference in your child’s behavior.  Essentially, you are asking the same thing with just different words.  That is true.  However, you will be surprised how your children will be much more likely to comply if they are  1) told rather than asked  2) given specifics rather than generalities and 3) are told what they should be doing more of, rather than less of.  Positive opposites also have the nice side effect of changing the mood of your home from negative to more positive.

The Problems with Positive Opposites

• It is hard.  Try it for an afternoon.  Or just try it for an hour.  You will see what I mean.  It takes practice, practice, practice.  It won’t come naturally; you will have to re-train your brain to see what is going right around you rather than what is annoyingly wrong.
• It leaves you wondering, “What happens when they don’t do what I asked?”  Well Dr. Kazdin and his collegues have developed a very elaborate points chart that is aimed at improving behavior and addressing this very question. You give points any time the child completes the goal behavior but no points if they don’t.  You start with behavioral goals they can reach easily to whet their appetite for the program.  So, in this system if you say, “Please put your socks in the hamper” and your child does not, you do nothing.  They simply don’t get a point.  This is insufficient, in my opinion.  A consequence is warranted, but in keeping with the psychology behind this whole program, the consequence would include very little attention from the parent.  If you make the consequence a party of attention, you can bet your child will be back for more.
• Where is the training and equipping that parents are to instill?  I left the seminar with an uncomfortable feeling.  PMT works from a research, outcome based perspective.  Their clients do show significant improvement.  But what are the parents doing for the heart of the child?  If you stop by CfP often, you know that this is a real focus of my work.  Maybe you can improve behavior on the outside, but if your child’s heart is still selfish, self-honoring and hard, you have not done right by them.  Training and teaching in the ways of the Lord is the job, no mandate, of every Christian parent. We need to provide this essential foundation during times of peace and calm, when our children can hear it best.

Summary

Positive opposites are a great parenting tool to tuck in your tool box.  If for nothing else, they will help you find and encourage what your child is doing right.  You will experience a much more positive mood in your home as you will be saying, “no,” “stop” and “don’t” much less.  However, as as whole system of parenting, I think I will pass on PMT.

What do you think?

You might also like:

Laura is a licensed counselor with over 15 years experience. She is also the mother of two delightfully inspiring children. She loves sharing her passion for godly parenting with others. Through CfP, she provides consultation services and parenting workshops.