Punishments are a power trip. If we feel like we want to “get back” or “make him pay,”” we need to consider that we are dealing with a controlling or revenge-seeking child. We can easily get trapped in the very same snare than entangles our child. Authoritarian parenting will only serve to convince our children that power and control are the ultimate goals in life. Let us remember, the purpose of discipline is to restore, equip and train, not to “get back.”

Punishments perpetuate a wrong focus.  As Christian parents, we can get caught up in our kids’ outward behavior because that is what we are faced with day-to-day. And if we are honest, it is the standard by which we feel others are evaluating us as parents.  If you feel your worth as a parent hinges on how well your child behaves, you are going to do whatever it takes to make him toe the line.  This external focus on behavior can lead to harsh punishments and will never provide the lasting results you seek.

Punishments ignore the heart.  Punishments focus on behavior.  As a result, we can be blinded to the presence of soft and repentant hearts in our children in response to misbehavior. Here’s an example:

Let’s say that your son is being wild in the house – again – and breaks the lamp.  He apologizes profusely but you are mad.  Really mad.  Even the sight of him is upsetting. So you send him to his room and announce that he will be confined there every day after school for a month.  He later tries to apologize.  He even offers a plan to pay for it. You, however, are still mad and proceed to rant about a history of careless behaviors that have led up to this incident.

Stop.

Take a look at your heart.  Are you mad at yourself because you have not been swift in disciplining this type of behavior before and now there are consequences for you?  Take a look at his heart.  Is he truly sorry and willing to make it right?

To be sure, a soft heart does not erase consequences. Children need to be held accountable for their behaviors. However, if your child is truly repentant and you are sticking to a harsh punishment, you run the risk of wounding your child’s spirit and having his heart seal over again.

It’s kind of like what we learned in chemistry class:  you can only dissolve so much salt in a flask of water.  Add too much and no matter how hard you stir, the solution becomes supersaturated and the salt re-crystallizes and falls to the bottom.  We don’t want our discipline to extend past the point of effectiveness and into the dangerous area of wounding the spirit.

Punishments hurt the relationship.  If the goal of Christian discipline is restoration, harsh punishments will do nothing to help you achieve that. Granted, your kids are not going to jump for joy when they get their consequence.  This is because “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:11. Notice the last part of that verse – “for those who have been trained by it.” Harsh punishments will not provide training.  There will be too much hurt (in both parties) for that to happen.  Swift, clear and firm consequences delivered in love will.  Your relationship (not friendship) with your child is the conduit to addressing issues of the heart.

In the next couple of posts, we will continue this discussion by addressing two closely related topics including:  “The Truth about Parental Consistency” and “I Lost My Temper –Now What?”

Make a homemade card.  She will appreciate this much more than a store bought one.  Make sure the card lists all the different things that she does that you appreciate.  Nothing is too small for the list.  Your mom wants to know that the people in her life notice the little things she does – like folding your t-shirts so they fit “just right” in your drawer.

Figure out what she likes to do and do it with her.  Does Mom like to garden? Buy her some flowers and plant them with her.  Does she like to look through cookbooks?  Go to a bookstore and flip through some with her and then buy her favorite.  Ask questions.  Let her teach you about her passions.  Your interest in what interests her will be the best present.  But here are some cautions: don’t complain, don’t say, “Are you done yet?”, don’t be pushy- let her take the lead, and don’t argue with your siblings about “who is helping Mom most.”

Make her dinner.  Let Mom rest, read a book or watch T.V. while you, your siblings and your dad make dinner.  Serve her first then go around the table and say one thing you appreciate about her before you eat. Then send her on her way – a walk outside or a stroll around the yard – while you clean up and do the dishes.  Treat her to a yummy dessert at her favorite treat spot.

Look at photo albums with her. Let her take a stroll down memory lane.  Listen and ask questions about all of her wonderful memories she has on being a mom.

Do her chores for her.  This should go without saying, but don’t let mom do any of her “normal” chores on Mother’s Day.  If you see her wiping a counter, say, “I’ll do that Mom. Today is your day off.”

Keep your toys and room picked up.  Show Mom how much you love her by doing things without even being asked.  Don’t make a big production out of it; just do it as a token of your love – not for any recognition you may get.

Create a Mom Trivia Game.  Come up with interesting and fun facts about Mom.  Create a list of questions and answers; then play with your siblings and Dad while Mom watches.  Include some funny ones like, “the sound Mom makes when she is sleeping.”

Do you have any other ideas on how you could honor Mom on Mother’s Day?

Developmental psychologist, Jean Piaget, proposed four stages of cognitive development in children:  sensorimotor, preoperational, concrete operational and formal operational.  It’s during the second stage (ages 2-7), that children exhibit egocentrism.

Egocentrism is the tendency for a person to view his environment in terms of his own perspective or point of view.  Children in this stage think that everyone will see things as they do.  There is no objective reality, only subjective.

If you have a 2 to 7 year old, this tendency for egocentrism is likely played out in your home.  Preoperational children tend to be self-centered, self-serving and self-focused.  Other family members are simply part of the solar system of which they are the center.

But just because this is labeled as a developmental phase, we do not need to sit idly by until it passes. As Christian parents, we need to do what we can to address this ingrained, self-centered attitude.  The solution lies in corrective discipline and training.

First Things First

Before we address the training aspect, we need to address discipline. A bossy or controlling child requires corrective discipline.  Here are some examples.

• If your child pushes others out of the way to be first in line, you can institute the “last will be first and first will be last” principle by simply telling him that his focus on self has earned him last place.
• If your child is demanding a certain food, you can calmly but firmly say, “Your choices today are chicken nuggets or grilled cheese. I’ll come back when you have made your decision.”
• If your child grabs something out of another child’s hand, you can gently remove the toy and give it back to the other child and say, “We don’t take things from other children.” If it happens again, employ a time out or a removal of a privilege.
• If your child is being loud and distracting in church, remove him from the service and have him do some “church practice” at home using role play.

Put Others First

Corrective discipline will never be enough.  We need to go beyond the do’s and don’ts of discipline in order to address the heart.  We can do this through positive training activities.  Here is one suggestion you can use with your two to seven year old that will help to instill an “other-orientation” and combat egocentrism.

Training Activity

What you will need:

• An 8 ½ x 11 scanned and enlarged photo of all family members except the child in question
• Small stickers (stars or flowers work well)

How it works:

Hang the family picture on the refrigerator or on a wall where the child can reach.  Hang the sheet of stickers next to it.  Tell your child that this is a “kindness poster.” Every time she does something kind, compassionate or helpful to a family member, she can place a sticker on that particular family member.  You can tell her that with this poster, she will be able to “see” how kind she is based on how decorated her family members are.

Your job:

You will need to keep your eyes open.  Any time you notice your child acting in ways that go against her egocentric tendencies, point it out.  Let her know that her heart was revealed in her behavior.  Together you can go to the poster and place a sticker on the person who was the recipient of the act of kindness.  The key here is that there should be nothing “in it” for the child.  Don’t offer a reward for acts of selflessness or service.  Encourage, don’t praise.  Allow your child to experience the inward joy that comes from putting others first.  You can say things like, “I can see Jesus in you when you act like that” or “That was very thoughtful the way you let him go first.” Regular encouragement and gentle reminders (“How are you doing on your kindness poster today?”) will help her stay on track.

Exceptions to Every Rule

So if, according to Piaget, all children of this stage are egocentric, can we even expect them to be otherwise?  Well, psychology is not a “hard science.” We can study trends and tendencies, but there are a host of factors that influence human behavior.  In fact, about 20 years after Piaget conducted his experiments, Martin Hughes conducted a similar experiment of his own.  He found that children as early as the age of four showed an ability to see things from another person’s perspective, as long as the material was presented to them in a way that made sense.

This gives us even more reason to intervene early and address egocentrism as soon as we see it rear its ugly head. We just need to make sure that our interventions make sense.

For Further Reading

Simply Psychology

Education.com

Monkey See, Monkey Do

It should come as no surprise that children model what they see.  Here are some common ways that parents may inadvertently “teach” their kids to lie:

• “Just tell them I’m not here.”
• “I needed a mental health day so I called in sick.”
• “We can’t come, we’re busy that day” (when you are not).
• “This stew is wonderful Louise!” (after which you go home and proclaim it otherwise)

We may think that our kids don’t notice these sorts of interchanges, but I can assure you that they do.  “Little white lies” are anything but little.  They blur the line between right and wrong and water down the truth.

They See No Way Out

Many parents try to get to the bottom of an issue via interrogation.  They ask point blank, “Did you take your sister’s jump rope?” With just one simple question, they have backed their child into a corner.  To the child, lying may seem like the best way out.  We need to re-think how we address situations where there is a potential for a lie in response.  It is often a simple matter of semantics.  Instead of asking direct questions, we can make statements like, “Melissa’s jump rope is missing. Let’s look for it.” When you find it hidden under little sister’s bed, you can address the stealing issue then.  Next time you want to get to the bottom of something, ask yourself, “Will this question set my child up to lie?” and “How can I rephrase it so that my child won’t feel the need to lie?”

They Are Afraid

Some kids lie because they are afraid.  If faced with a sure and severe consequence if they fess up, a child will take the risk of lying in hopes that you will buy it. Often this pattern is more prevalent in families where a more authoritarian approach to parenting is used.  Domineering parents tend to have fearful children where “survival mode” takes over in the face of punishment.  Having an open relationship with clear and consistent hierarchical boundaries will go a long way toward preventing fear-based responses in children.

Exaggeration is the Father of Lies

Just like “little white lies,” exaggeration blurs the line between right and wrong.  Children tend to be very literal – viewing life as black and white.  Because they do not see shades of grey, an exaggeration can be seen as a misrepresentative of the truth.  We don’t need to get legalistic here, but by simply identifying your exaggerations as such (“It’s a hundred degrees out here! Well at least if feels that way.”), we can teach our children that our words can be trusted. We can make a simple statement when we sense an exaggeration is at work such as, “Wow! It must have really seemed like Johnny had a million matchbox cars.”

It Has Become a Habit

Lying is one of those things that gets easier the more we do it.  This is why it is very important to nip lying in the bud when you see it rearing its ugly head in the toddler and preschool years.  Often what starts out as storytelling, turns into tall tales.  Without gentle redirection, lying will not be far behind.  Helping our children differentiate between the truth and a lie is a foundational training practice for Christian parents. This is one of those situations where “letting it slide” will only serve to create a slippery ground for later.

Some Closing Thoughts

If you use the circle of blessing concept in training your children, you can show them that lying is “outside of the circle” behavior. It brings troubles such as a loss of trust and consequences and is a clear break from God’s standards.

By not backing our kids into a corner, being honest ourselves and dealing swiftly (but not harshly) with incidences of lying, we can reduce (but, thanks to sin, not eliminate) lying in our homes.

*If you are interested in learning about some of the tell-tale physical signs of a lying child, I recommend that you check out this article.

*This provocative article offers some very interesting insights into lying and children based on research findings. I highly recommend it.

Welcome to Cornerstones for Parents

. . . your source for Christian parenting solutions!

With all the websites that offer parenting advice today, what makes Cornerstones for Parents so different from the rest?

First of all, Cornerstones for Parents provides professional, biblically sound Christian parenting advice based on over 15 years of experience working with children and families.  Founder, Laura Kuehn is a masters level, licensed clinical social worker.  If you have a specific parenting problem, professional guidance is only an email away.

Secondly, we provide you with both concrete solutions and insights into the heart of your child. Many Christian parenting sites focus on one or the other but we address both. We believe that it is important to provide parents with insights and information along with the tools or resources to implement that knowledge.

Finally, we offer one-of-a-kind tools and resources. Our Heart of the Matter Cards and FREE parenting printables have helped many Christian parents go beyond behavior – straight to the heart of the child.

Matthew 7:25

“And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock.”

“I heard something outside my window.”

                              “Will you stay with me? I’m scared.”

                                                                “There’s a monster under my bed!”

Fear of the dark in children is extremely common. If you have a little one, you have likely had to address bedtime fears at one point or another.  Here are some information and simple tips to help you intervene effectively.

Find the underlying cause

• Some kids are just the sensitive, fearful type.  You may have sheltered your son from scary movies and books, but for some reason, he is still afraid at night.  It is just the way he came “wired.” These children can benefit from a regular bedtime routine, self soothing techniques and prayer.
• Some children have been exposed to too much. Keep a critical eye on what your children watch and hear.  As adults we have become so desensitized to violence that we may not even notice it anymore.  Our children have not developed any emotional calluses yet, so we need to be extremely careful in this area. When in doubt, turn it off.
• Some children may have an underlying anxiety disorder.  These children will likely display anxiety across the board, however, not just at bedtime.  Any anxiety that impairs everyday functioning and/or has been present for 6 months or more should be looked into by your pediatrician or a trusted counselor.
• Some children may have something on their minds that is magnified by the quiet isolation of bedtime.  Talk calmly with your kids to see if they are having any issues at school or with friends.
• Some children like control. Although less common, some children create drama at bedtime in an attempt to maintain control.  These children need to be dealt with in a very calm, matter-of-fact manner.  Give 1 or 2 “get out of bed free” tickets at the beginning of bed time.  Once they are all used up, don’t interact any more until morning.

Don’t Make a Mountain Out of a Mole Hill

Some parents in efforts to calm their child’s fears will grab a flashlight and search every corner of the room for monsters.  Some even set up “monster traps” or “ghost repellants” to keep scary night visitors at bay.  The problem with this approach is that by scanning the room for things that go bump, you are actually telling your child that monsters really do exist.  When they see you going to great lengths to “protect” them, you are giving support to the notion that they need protecting.

Simply say, “I know you feel scared. And even though monsters feel real, they are not. Let’s ask God to help us figure this out.” Then consider implementing some of the suggestions below.

Think Outside the Box

For some reason, we have come to think that all children should sleep in the dark and quiet with the door closed.  Erase all of those preconceived notions and think outside the box.  Here are some proven tips that can help assuage bedtime fears:

• Keep the closet open and the light on.  If you are worried about your electricity bill, switch to fluorescent light bulbs.
• Play calming music.  You can play soft and soothing music (let the child pick) as she falls asleep.  It will drown out ambient noise and give her something to focus on besides the dreaded monster outside her window.  Turn it off once she is asleep.
• Give him a flashlight. Having control over the darkness can be comforting to a child.  A flashlight and a bedtime children’s Bible make great bedtime companions.

Just keep in mind, that these issues are likely temporary.  Address them with love, compassion and consistency and you will find that they will resolve on their own.

The Form versus Function of Prayer

Everything is prayer-worthy.  The Bible instructs us to “pray without ceasing” (1 Thess. 5:17) and “pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests” (Eph 6:18).  Children who pray for a DS or a hamster for their birthday are certainly praying along these lines.  But we need to do our part to teach them the difference between the function and form of prayer.

The form of prayer is the asking:  what language we use, how we say it, where we pray, etc.  Kids seem to grab this concept early on.

The function of prayer, however, is different.  The function of prayer is to put the asker in a place of submission.

As an adult, when I want a drink of water, I don’t have to ask anyone for it – I just get it.  I am not in submission to anyone regarding this issue.  However, if I want a raise, I can’t just give myself one.  I would need to submit myself to my boss and ask.  When we ask for what we want of a Holy and Majestic God, we are submitting to Someone greater than ourselves.

We can teach our children about this concept of submission in a couple of fun ways:

1. Play “Mother May I.”  This is a great game that can help children really grasp this concept of submission.  If you forget how to play, click here.
2. Play “Cross the Room.”  Blindfold one child and stand him on one side of a large room.  Place some obstacles on the floor.  Instruct another child to verbally direct the blindfolded child across the room, avoiding any obstacles. The better the blindfolded child listens and submits to the instructions of the giver, the more successful the trip across the room will be.

God is Not Your Personal Vending Machine

One of the most spiritually crippling things that we can do is to teach our children that God wants them to be happy.  There is simply no biblical support for this assumption.  God wants His children to be holy (“But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: “Be holy, because I am holy.” 1 Peter 1:15-16).  If we think otherwise, we run the risk of teaching our children that God is their personal vending machine: put a quarter in (a prayer) and the item I select comes out (my answer).

There are two problems with this mentality.  First, when the answer is not provided as asked, the child can become disillusioned with God, thinking that God isn’t listening or that He does not care.  Second, unbeknownst to the asker, there are a whole host of other things in that “vending machine” that God really wants us to have – things like righteousness, self-control and patience.  The problem is that these healthy “fruits” don’t look as tasty as that Snicker’s bar we have our eye on.  We think we have all the information in front of us to make the right request.  But our sight is limited.  Our understanding is feeble.  God sees the bigger picture and as our Father, He knows what is best for us.  We need to teach our children to push a button and thank God for whatever slides out the bottom.

Show and Tell

We can illustrate this concept with our children the next time we have access to a vending machine.  Talk about prayer being like the quarter (who are we kidding? A dollar).  Before you push the button, you can ask: “What are you going to select?” “How would you feel if you got what was in C6 instead?” “How would you feel if you got something better than you asked for, like two candy bars or a jumbo sized one?”

You can then talk about how praying to God and vending machines have some things in common:

• Both are available at any time of the day.
• Both have good things to offer.
• Anyone can use them.

You will also want to address some important dissimilarities:

• We control a vending machine, we don’t control God. (Read Job 38-42:6 for a big slice of humble pie.)
• Vending machines are limited in their offerings, God is not. (“If you ask me anything in my name, I will do it.” John 14:14).
• Vending machines give us what we want; God gives us what we need. (“Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.” Matthew 6:31-32).
• God’s blessings are free. (“Now we have received not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, that we might understand the things freely given us by God.” 1 Corinthians 2:12)
• Jesus is the way to the Father, not money. (“Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” John 14:6).

The next time you are near a vending machine, consider using it as a “teachable moment” to share with your children the truths about prayer.

With these thoughts tumbling around in our heads, we decided to opt out of local Easter egg hunts this year.  However, not wanting to be like the Scrooge on Christmas, we decided to come up with our own back yard Easter Egg hunt that would highlight the spirit of the season: an Easter Egg Hunt and Give.

Here’s how it works:

1. Decide on your “filling.”  Since my kids can’t agree on candy (who would think that I would have a child that doesn’t like chocolate!?) we chose quarters.
2. Hide the eggs around your yard (or house if it is raining) and give each child a basket for collecting.
3. Read the passage highlighted above and ask them what they think it means in light of Easter Sunday.  Talk about the sacrifice that Jesus made for us and how giving blesses the giver and the receiver.
4. Tell them the goal of this hunt is to make sure that every basket has the same composition at the end of the hunt: two of each color, 4 blue/4 pink/4 yellow, or whatever you decide.  It is the children’s job to make sure that all end up the same.
5. Explain how it works.  Every time an egg is discovered, the goal is to give it away, not keep it.  However, you can’t just give it to anyone.  You have to find someone who is in need of that particular color.  If you have a yellow and the goal is no more than two of each color and you find someone who has both yellows already, you will need to find someone else who still needs that color.  You can’t search for a new egg until the one you have is given away with a cheery, “Happy Easter!”
6. Gather at the end.  While this type of hunt ends up “fair” for everyone, we can talk about the fact that what Jesus experienced wasn’t fair.  If He were playing, His basket would have been empty at the end.  He gave everything up for us.  You can read and discuss the following passage:

“Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.  And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death— even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.” Philippians 2:4-11

Easter is a fun and exciting time for children.  Let’s make sure that the real reason we celebrate doesn’t get hidden under a layer of fake grass and fuzzy chicks.

He is risen.

He is risen indeed!